bad

i had a scary big fight with my boyfriend over msn last night.
We've had arguments before, but not for 4 and a half hours...

It started with him saying I never do anything I don't want to, and when I asked him what he meant and why i should do things I don't want to he started nagging at me about going to school. He said I wasn't trying atall. But I am, he just doesn't understand, and I wouldn't expect him too. But I've asked him before, not to keep asking me about it even though he's only trying to help, becasue it was just putting more pressure on me that I didn't need.

When I got a bit sarcastic and irritated, he started capslocking me and yelling at me to not be mean and spiteful. Which just made me more bitchy. I dunno why. I think it's an authority thing...but he said I should respect him enough to not be "spiteful". I was like, Excuse me? Respect? Why should I respect you when you're swearing at me?

He doesn't respect me atall, really. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm only there to stand at his shoulder and be a girlfriend and nothing more. I started thinking about everything he does that I would complain about. Y'know, the things I don't say. That aren't worth arguing over, things like: He gets all huffy as is soon as I refuse to kiss him every time he asks, like i'm some kind of trained animal that obeys him. Sometimes it's like, I'm going a meter away for two minutes, kiss me goodbye. I get tired or it every five minutes. What meaning does a kiss have if he's all over meall the time? He says is it too much to ask for some affection, and it isn't, just not all the freaking time. Someitmes I need my own space that doesn't have him in it.

When I said i thought i was getting good at drumming, he sent me a (bad) slipknot cover video and said I'll be good when I play that. Why couldn't he say, good for you?

He's a freaky guy. that's fine by me, but why can't i be freaky too? Like he complains about my multicolour boots when he used wear handcuffs (escapology is a hobby of his aparently) on his belt at school . which one gives off the worst image, me having coloury shoes that make people look at me oddly, or him wearing handcuffs that make it seem as if we're into...dodgy...stuff?

He's so petty about linkin park. I'm not allowed to have a crush on a singer who I will never even meet when he can hang around with a girl he had a more than crush on for two years and take her side all the time when we fall out?
He won't take my side against my brother either.
He said felt ignored because i had a go of his graphics tablet for 20 minutes and was looking at the screen not him.

I said about the clingyness and not giving me space and he said he'd give me space as long as he still gets things sometimes. And I agreed. But he's promised over and over to give me space and then he doesn't. And he makes inuendos all the time which he's promised a million times to stop be the next day it's like he never did. I gave up asking him to give me space and just started pushing him away.

He always compliments me with, You're beautiful. Like I don't have any other good things other than that. It's not like I don't appreciate it, but...is there nothing else of me other than my face and chest? He swears blind that he loves me for my personality, but obviously he doesn't because I'm so mean and spiteful like he said.

And the he asked me if I thought we should split up. And he wanted to make me decide between splitting up, with the possibility of getting back together later, or staying together to "see if things change".

I was stunned. I was angry at him, and sick of the way he is sometimes, but it didn't mean I wanted to break up. I need him.

He said that this past week he's been wondering if we should stay together. I hadn't been at school that week. or much recently and we only see eachother at weekends. And as my compy's been broken I haven't spoken to him on MSN much, but he calls me sometimes. He said that he doesn't feel the same as he did a few months ago.

And now he wanted to make me decide if we stay together or not because he'd been thinking about splitting us up. He can't just drop something like that on me and make me choose because he can't decide. It's not fair. I was really angry.

We kind of ground to a halt in the argument then, and for a while we didn't say anything. I said, I still love you, you know. And he said, he wasn't sure if he still loved me.

My heart stopped. How could he say that?

Meaning that I don't want to split upjust because of one fight abot stuff we could fix if he'd just try to grow up and not need to hug me or make out or grope me every half hour. He alwasys say he'll stop asking me to do that all the time, but he never does. Hew gives me some lame excuse like "i can't help it". And he wonders why I think he only likes me for my looks - he apparently stops loving me after I push him away and won't even kiss him(maybe mean but I was really getting tired of him in my face the whole time he's with me. It feels like we don't even talk properly anymore.I said that and he said somethings that we'd talked about like 9 months ago.) and then he doesn't get to see me for a week. It's like, I stop giving him what he wanted, so he doesn't want me anymore.

I got really angry after that, and so he started about the "spiteful and mean" thing again. So I told him a secret, that I was not telling him because it would hurt him- about a thing he did to me without realising...involving self harm...and him being pushy.

I was intending, I think, to kind of make him realise how important it was to me that I have space. but he just said that I should have told him in the first place.
I was so angry, and so scared that it was the end for us. I signed off pretty soon after that.

All that ^ makes him out to be a bastard, but he's not, not always. He's so sweet, and he does seem to understand that he's being a like that sometimes. And he says sorry and that he feels bad about it but he never changes.

He called this morning to check if I was ok. And it was awkward at first, becuase when we'd stopped talking last night he still hadn't told me if he still loved me or not. in the end we had a nice conversation, I laughed, it was normal. But I still felt that unsteady fragile feeling inside. Like when I have to walk past people who were my friends and pretend I don't know them.

I'm just really, really confused. I still don't quite believe him when he say's it's persnality, not looks. I know he likes me as a person, but I just think it's a way smaller factor than the physical aspects. Like if I didn't have D-cup boobs we'd just be friends. Probably closer friends than we are boyfriend and girlfriend, to be honest. He loves(or loved) me because I'm there, not for me. Because I asked him out an no-one elsewould.

I'm not surprised, really. I don't have a fantastic personality. Even if I did I'm to shy to let it out. Most of the time I feel null. Non entity. All I am is what people want to see me as. I can't go to school, I can't make strong friends, I don't stick at anything. And now I can't even get someone to love me anymore.