yuck

I'm illll...my nose is all blocked and my head hurts and my lips are chapped..and my chapstick went AWOL. *cries* *can't breathe properly* *hates colds* *shakes fist at Scottish weather*

I' so glad I have a holiday now. =] It's only like...two weeks or something, I'm not sure. I didn't know we even had a holiday until yestarday...I'm kinda out of the loop of school things...

I keep trying to think of stuff that happened while I wasn't online that I could write about *thinks* apart from school crap and my aniversary...not alot...my mum painted the kitchen a slightly lighter shade of yellow - it was quite bright to start with but every so often she re-paints it lighter. She really wants it to be pink, and I think she's gradually lightening it to white and the she'll start with a faint pink and then build it up and hope we don't notice. Like if it's gradual enough no-one will realise. Like continents shifting, y'know? *blinks* Well...I can make a paragraph out of a sentance worth of useless information. Just call me JK, lol. Oooooh burn. *coughpoitlesslylonglastthreebookscough*

Aaanyway. Not much is different though it seems ages..it wasn't really. Just about a month...

I've still not been going to school, still diving my mum insand by crying over the fact that I'm meant to be at school and not leaving even though I really really want to. I can't though, because ..well just don't want to burn my bridges. Exams may be useful, though I dunno what for. Provided i actually pass, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, though, that I'm just not right. Or not that..more I work different. My mother says- normal rules don't apply to me, or atl east they shouldn't. I can't do school and don't know why - it's not like I don't want to learn. I just can't play to other people's tunes anymore. Like...how I used to follow my dumb little friends around. Running all over the place to find them when they ditched me, going places I didn't really want to go with them, hating people they hated and liking ones thay like just because that's what they wanted and I didn't want to go against them. And then after that, just trying to be invisible, so no-one would know that I didn't line up with the rest. It sucks. I can't do it anymore; going to school on time, going to classes, te same every day. And if I left I'd have to get a job which would be ultimately more boring and everything. It just worries me that I'm going to be stuck either bending to everyone else's rules my whole life, which is the easy option I guess, and being miserable, or going against them and living with my parents until I'm 40 because I never show for work and get chucked. Lucky me...

A few times, I trashed my room, for no reason other than complete anger. At being me. I had to get it out somehow, it was almost like it hurt not to do something. So I chucked all the books and candles and boxes and all my paint tubes and all my clothes, anything I could grab. And I hit the wicker chest until it broke and my hand was purple. And I felt really stupid and childish after. I did it twice.

The first time, I had gone into school - I'd got up, dressed, tidied my hair, made my lunch, found my school tie, caught the bus, faught the impulse to leap up and insist that the driver stop and let me off, got into school, been to my locker and everything, and as I was walking to my form class, one of the deputy rectors stopped me about my uniform. Again. I was wearing checkerboard pattern tights under my black school dress over a white shirt, and my shoes had purple ties. He said he didn't want to see me dressed like that in school again, so I thought, fine, you won't. And I went to my locker for my stuff, and walked out the front door, behind his back as he stood inspecting uniforms as pupils came in. I guess being pulled up for patterned tights was an excuse for me to skip off. It was like the final straw.

Then when I got home...it was awful. My mum shouted at me, and she never has before, not for ages since I was a child and still did things like hitting my brother or whatever. I was crying so much about school, and what to do, leave or stay, and what will happen with my stupid life, and I was hurt at the school caring more about my clothes than my happiness or even my bloody attendance and I was tired and I couldn't breathe. She was talking to me, about how she doesn't know what I should do either and we can't just keep going over the same conversation and it was stupid to come home when I'd gotten all the way there and everything. I found myself backing into a corner and it was so scary. I had no-where to run. I escaped school and went home but i wanted to get away from there too now. I've never ever felt completely trapped before. My instict when I'm upset has always been home, my room, my house, my family and I couldn't cope. I ran upstairs to my room and went out the window and got as far as the gate leading up onto the hills before I changed my mind and came back to my room. I climbed back in the window. I kicked my shoes off and they flew across the room and I kind of carried on from there. I didn't break anything though, luckily. My mother said she felt realy bad about shouting and being angry, and I don't blame her at all. I'm just a useless person. It's not her fault.

I kind of scared myself. And my mum. The first time I tidied my room before she saw it and though she heard me chucking stuff she didn't realise that I'd wrecked the whole room...but the second time she came in as the glass candle holder was refusing to shatter. It dented the floor...I don't know what I'd have done if I'd actually broken it. Shards of glass. Sharp. I'm kind of worried that she think I'll hurt myself in a less acidental manner than by thumping a chest. I don't want to worry her.

Oo-er. I need to try harder. Later. After the holidays...ew. Exams...try not to think about it...=(