20

I had a dream about being addicted to drugs last night. I had a big stash that I stole from someone, and I was sitting in my room smoking my way through it and telling my mum to fuck off. I didn't feel high at all, but I was enjoying it, I remember. I don't know why.

It's bothering me. For a start, I don't even drink, let alone get stoned.
Also, I never fight with my mother. I know how upset she'd be if I got involved with drugs; she says she's failed as a parent if I simply don't go to school. There's so much I can't tell her.
It's also bothering me because I have a few friends who smoke wacky backy and I'm not sure now what I'd do if one of them offered me some.

I have no self control these days. It all seems so pointless - going to school, sleeping, eating properly. I'm a mess, and I can see it in myself, I can see the marks. I eat until I'm sick. I live off paracetamol for the headaches that caffine gives me. I don't sleep and then I don't go to school and I cry because I'm going to fail my exams. It's half past 12 and I have to go to school, but even as I'm sitting here I know I won't go.

It's like I'm watching myself, it's like watching a horror movie and muttering "don't go into the castle!" and watching the dipsy heroine going into the dark.

And I think about my dream and the calm, dream feeling and I wish for something that will take the world away, just for a few hours a day. But I know there is no such plant or chemical.